Say No More...

The Final Countdown

So here we are again - The Oval, South London…. the fifth and final Ashes test match is looming and the Ashes hang in the balance once again. On the surface at least the scenario is straight forward enough, the series delicately poised at 1-1 with one test to play. So if England win this match we win the Ashes, if anything else happens Australia will retain them. - simple right?


Except its not as straight forward as that is it?



The momentum has clearly shifted in Australia's favour as the series has gone on anyone who knows anything about cricket can see that. Just look back a the first test in Cardiff, England held on for a admirable draw with the last wicket - Jimmy and Monty defying the Australian bowlers for the final 45 minutes, it felt like a moral victory for us, and a missed opportunity for the Aussies. Then we moved onto the home of cricket - Lords and an Flintoff inspired England produce their best performance in years to take a 1-0 lead - everything looking rosy.... The good work continued at Edgbaston taking a fantastic 7-77 in the morning session on day two, then the turning point came, England lost their discipline, the rain interrupted the rhythm and the test petered out into another draw owing to a combination of poor weather and a lack of patience from England, - Australia comfortably held on for a draw and take back some momentum....


Onwards to Leeds and a complete disaster for England.. everything that could go wrong did go wrong... Flintoff declares himself fit only to be overruled by the selectors. Matt Prior has a back spasm playing football in the warm up - queue panic in the English dressing room, the toss is delayed by 10 minutes to allow emergency treatment for Prior. Strauss wins the toss and decides to bat, after TV interviews only and has three minutes to rush in and prepare... he is then plum LBW out on the first ball of the test, but is somehow left off the hook by the umpire. In the end it didn't make any difference as he was out soon after for a mere three runs, whilst the chaotic lead up to the start cannot be used as an excuse, there is no way Strauss was in the frame of mind he should of been, and with the rest of the England batting line up looky vunerbale what followed was all to predictable..
The England middle order collapses, tail fails to wag and we are out for 102 in 24 overs - couldn't be much worse could it? Well yes it could as the English bowlers are awful - bowling short, wide and giving away runs for fun - it really was painful to watch. (although thoroughly enjoyable if you are an Aussie I'm sure..). England were out of the test on day one - and this in a test match they knew if they won they would take an unbeatable 2-0 lead.... Australia punished England - and were better in every department - no arguments or excuses - Australia deserved the victory and England deserved the trouncing they got.


So my point is (yes there is one.. I promise!) that although its 1-1... everything looks to be in Australia's favour...


Unsurprisingly England squad have been under intense scrutiny from the press in the Headingley post mortem and the lead up to the Oval... Who has used up their chances? Who should be dropped? Who should come in? Calls for Jonathon Trott, Robert Key and even a recall for 39 year old Mark Rampakash?!?.... this sends out signals of uncertainty and desperation on England's part. Surely the selectors had a plan on who would the first choice replacements if required during the series? It appears this assumption was sadly inaccurate.


Where as in a direct comparison the Australian squad that now looks strong, stable and confident..... Australia players now fully recovered from injury and others who had lost a bit of form/confidence have worked hard to correct flaws - all positive, upbeat vibes coming out of the Australian camp - you can just tell the smell blood and sense victory is within their grasp.


So onto team news... England have dropped the under performing Bopara and opted for the untried Jonathon Trott who has been in great county form.. but is this really the platform to give someone their test debut? (brushing over the fact he is South African.. so shouldn't really be under consideration for England anyway in my opinion), only time will tell.... I am guessing Bell will be promoted to 3, and Trott in at 4.... if it was me I'd have Collingwood at 4 and Trott at 5.. but I'm not an England selector.. (although I could be..). The rest of the team will probably remain unchanged.. Strauss, Cook, Bell, Trott, Collingwood, Prior, Flintoff, Broad, Anderson, Swan and either Harmmison or Onions.


If I was Australia I would keep the exact same team that destroyed England at Headingley... With Micheal Clarke, North and Katich they have enough off-spin options to do without Hautritz. There has been talk about bring Brett Lee back - but I don't see it happening, he will be saved for the one dayers and twenty/20's... So I expect Australia will line up with Katich, Watson, Ponting, Hussey, Clarke, North, Haddin, Johnson, Siddle, S Clarke and Hilfenhaus.



Of course this is Andrew Flintoff's final test match for England and I would love to see him but in a fairytale performance with bat and ball, leading England to a famous test win and reclaim the Ashes as a fitting finale to his test career.... unfortunately not matter what way I look at it - I think this is unlikely. Fred will try his heart out without a doubt, I just don't think it will be enough. The defeat in the fourth test was far to crushing to simply brush off as a "bad three days at the office"...


My heart says England will win and Fred can go on another bender and live it up again just like 2005.. However my head and common sense points to Australia retaining the Ashes.
I hope I am completely off the mark with this rather pessimistic and depressing preview, and will be delighted to proven wrong.


Still where there is Fred there is hope..


Come On England - prove me wrong. (Please!)

It's Here!!! Carpet, Now We're Talking

With much anticipation and a great deal of demand I now offer a discussion on carpet issues and would appreciate other opinions. The great deal of demand relates to one person saying one day "what happened to that carpet thingo?" and knowing that you all out there love a good shag, or like a good lay I thought i'd put a few thoughts down.

As posed in the very long period between the coming soon and the actual article, the fundamental question on everones lips is; what happened to all the carpet? I am concerned about the trend towards (in my opinion) not going to the trouble of laying any and simply relying on floorboards, (were these ever supposed to be exposed?) or even more popular laying laminate, see picture above, now ask yourself does that look comfortable? Is that smile genuine? Is that a warm cosy environment?

I am not going to attempt to address the answers to this trend away from carpet, rather just pose some difficult questions. Oh and this doesn’t cover rugs by the way, that’s another issue, they are ridiculously popular, which is strange don’t you think when they are used to cover the perfectly good laminate just layed. In my opinion the rug issue is direct evidence that people miss carpets, and the rugs just don’t do the job.

There are too many issues to cover in this short article, but some questions that need to be posed are: How is acoustic absorption addressed in laminate dominate societies and what impact is this having on our way of life? Has this trend seen a rise in slipper sales? Will we bounce back from this madness and get back to the 1980's carpet heyday? Will vacuums become obsolete? How many slipping incidents occur whilst walking in socks on laminate? .......and much more.

I am expecting an influx of opinion and comment on this issue, so I have warned the blog people that they may see a massive increase in site traffic.

Channel Nine - the bottom of the barrel? Lets hope so….

Whilst my co-blogger would have you all believe Channel Ten is the worse TV channel currently broadcasting across Australia, then Ladies and Gentlemen may I strongly suggest you put the kettle on, take a seat, crack open the chocolate digestives and make yourself comfy as I have some very bad news for you all....

I am not even going to attempt to launch some form of counter argument defense of Channel Ten - as quite frankly it doesn't deserve it, J is correct it is truly awful broadcaster. (Although does gain minor credits in my book for showing The Simpsons). That said however in my humble opinion the bar has been plunged to previously thought (and feared) impossible new depths with one click of the remote..

I give you the Packer family owned Channel Nine..


Nine is pretty much a low as it gets in terms of TV, you feel dirty after watching Nine even for a few short minutes, that's enough to kill a few vital brain cells you'll never get back, it leaves you confused, bewildered, dismayed, and angry simultaneously - if in a good mood you may let out a little chuckle at what you just saw but its going to sound like the laugh of a madman about to go on a killing spree... and then as the realisation dawns on you, what have I just experienced? you have this overwhelming urge to jump in the shower and scrub yourself clean..


If the BBC is the good looking, popular,straight A student, captain of the football/netball teams - liked, respected by all, and modest with it. Then Channel Nine is the fat, spotty, dumb, Manchester United supporting school bully, asshole, twat, who everyone despises and is destined for a life of petty crime and claiming dole benefits....


Its difficult to know where to start with Nine..... the poorly delivered, inaccurate and laughable news bulletins? The supposedly hard hitting "A Current Affair" show that blatantly lies week after week and get away with it. Perhaps "The Footy Show" ? Without doubt the most sexist, racist, offensive show on TV, full of male bigots who are clearly a least a couple of stages behind the rest of of society on the "Evolution of Man" diagram in both the physical and mental sense - here is one small example of their work...

*warning content may offend viewers with a half a brain and a soul*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0-0z6YXfA9s


Nine also offers endless reality TV shows for our enjoyment.... "Farmer wants a bit", "Australia's most revolting couple", "Dance your fat ass off".....


and then when they need to fill in a few hours - just play endless American crime dramas, CSI Miami/New York/Las Vegas, NCIS, Numbers, SVU... until everyone loses the will to live, goes to bed, thinks of their happy place and hopes it was all just a bad dream.




What should be the cause of major alarm for all of us is that with the dawn on digital TV, Nine have several new licenses for extra 24 hour channels! If they manage to put this much trash on one channel can you imagine what they will fill another one or two channels with?!? 24 hours of Burt Newton doing 2000 to 1 with commentary from E-List Channel Nine celebrities anyone? No me neither...


We can only be thankful that despite the appalling trash on Australia's three main commercial channels (Seven, Nine and Ten), there is hope that turning on the TV in this country needn't necessarily result in you being digitally assaulted. The ABC and SBS continue to broadcast decent news coverage, excellent documentaries, great dramas and some good entrainment to boot.

So Mr Ahmadinejad before you going aiming your nice little rockets at the Ten studios - may I suggest the greater evil can be found at Nine.... and if you need a trail target - feel free to aim for the Crown Casino while your at it..

Many Thanks

Sam the Koala DEAD!!!!....Where is the PM we need a statement

Sam was headline news on Channel 10 last night (normal form for Channel 10 in prioritising world events), the New York Times I thought captured the moment well with its headline "Sam the koala has Carked it," poor little Sam died during an operation to remove cysts caused by Chlamydia. Luckily we had the Prime Minister on hand to respond to this momentus and sad event, Kev said he had been "saddened to learn of the death of 'that wonderful koala," describing it as a "tragedy."

Opposition leader Malcolm Turnbull got in on the act too, he didnt want to miss out so he quite ridiculously called for "a sculpture of Sam to be built as a lasting symbol of the fires." Just when you thought it couldnt get any more comical and that surely nobody could look more stupid than Malcolm, Premier of Victoria John Brumby stepped up to the mark, and I'm not making this up, he announced that he has organised for Sam to be stuffed and put in Melbourne Museum. Presumably the museum will provide bottles and a CFA outfit for photo opportuinities.

Kev wasnt the only one having trouble coping, David Tree the man seen in the photo was quoted as saying "I'm sobbing like a baby and I am a grown man, she was a battler, a survivor and a wild animal who showed trust to turn to a human at her greatest time of need. I am shattered, devastated." Did anyone tell him she was a slapper though?

Televisual Nightmares

I can become slightly unhinged when it comes to tv sheduling out here in Australia and in particular Channel 10. So the issue, the issue is simple, you are a tv channel, you have a few things to achieve in your role as tv channel, to have decent programming (ok maybe not, maybe just programming) to provide news (ok perhaps news of sorts) and to follow a schedule.

Now you would think scheduling would be where Channel 10 might shine as they clearly cannot achieve anything else, this is where they can make a difference by being at least a channel that prides itself on being accurate, professional and timely.

Of course not, and I'm not talking about a few minutes here and there, it is beyond belief that it sometimes is up to 20 minutes out and regularly 5 and 10 minutes. This disregard for thier viewers is staggering, no where is there an apology, no mention of this slack indifference.

You are just left helpless speculating as to when the program might finish. This plays havoc with anyone foolishly wanting to record a program and watch it later as you have half of 'Strictly Dance Your Fat off' or 'The Farmer Wants it' or something similar. So what is the point of having a printed schedule at all? Lets wipe all schedules clean and leave it for guess work shall we?

You are stuck in some kind of televisual nightmare limbo, stuck with the awful prospect of having to watch Rove, willing with all your inner power for him to wrap it, but of course for someone who cant stop this proves impossible. 10,15 or 20 minutes after the program should have finished he is still assuming that everyone wants to hear his monologue.

I'd also like to put on the record that pretty much the only thing I watched (past tense) on Channel 10 was the Formula 1 and that coverage sent me quite mad and scouring the internet for alternatives, which I found. I now call for Channel 10 to be wiped off the face of the Earth.

Yours Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

The Ashes - 4th Test - its win or bust!

So after the heavily rain affected draw at Edgbaston the 2009 Ashes series heads north to West Yorkshire for the fourth and arguably most critical test of the series. Headingley nearly always provides a result pitch and with the weather forecast looking good for the five days I think there is little to no chance of this one ending up in a draw - so its game on for both teams!

Its difficult to know which side took the most from the third test... England will feel they had Australia on the ropes after taking 77-7 in the first session on day two, whilst Australia can argue they fought back bravely and held on for a draw with relative ease in the end..... Who's to say what would of happened if so much time hadn't been lost to the rain.

Before the series the concept of watching the fifth day of a test match with one team going all out for a win, the other attempting to hold on for a draw would not of shocked many fans on either hemisphere.... what was surreal and pleasing (from an England point of view at least) that roles played by both teams were the opposite from what we expected!

So who has the momentum?- you'd have say Australia at this stage.

Sadly certain sections of the Australian media have again chosen to focus on anything apart from their own teams faults - again we've had the umpires integrity questioned, the England teams sportsmanship (well maybe Strauss shouldn't of let Ponting replace Haddin at the last minute then?) and now finally its all the fault of the big nasty bullies in Barmy Army for calling the Aussies horrible names..... Boo bloodly hoo - Have a spoonful of cement and hard up the f*ck up princess ! Do these people really think Ponting or Mitchell Johnson gives a toss if a bunch of drunk Englishman are booing them or cheering their mistakes??? Do me a favour.. !





If anything it probably inspires them to want stick back to the drunks and score a century, get that wicket, take that catch and lift that urn at The Oval in a few weeks time..... if these journalists think that's abusive they should attend an English football match... Arsenal v Spurs, City v United, Chelsea v West Ham, Villa v Birmingham, Gillingham v Fulham... - all make the cricket banter sound like a group of catholics on their way home from Sunday school!

Of course the same Australian media wouldn't dare think to themselves that perhaps when the cricket is played down here those lovable little bogans in Bay 13 at the MCG on Boxing Day would also engage in a little bit of banter and abuse an opposition player after a couple of Jim Bean and cokes? no of course not...... the little harmless angels with their yellow singlets, aussie flags and their casks of goon!

Although I am no fan of Ricky Ponting to put it mildly, to be fair to him he has come out and said this crowd/opposition banter all part of the game, its no worse now than it was in past tours and he admits the Barmy Army are one of the best sets of sports fans in the world... this type of journalism is more a symptom of the Australia media than it the cricket team- but that's for subject for another post..

So onto team news....... well for England any changes really all hinge on Freddie…… if he is passed fit enough.. then Broad might be in danger of losing his place to Harmison (also depending on how the pitch looks). However if Freddie cannot make it Broad will keep his spot (as he can bat a little as well as bowl) and I'd expect us to go with Jonathon Trott to sure up the batting line up. Although I don't think a decision will be made on Fred until the last half an hour or so before the first ball is due to be bowled. England cannot afford to play Flintoff if there is a chance his knee won't last the game - simple as that...




I think Australia will keep Hauritz in the team.. any Australian team without an recognised spinner would be unheard of wouldn't it?
Brett Lee or Stuart Clark could easily come in….. My money would be on Lee - as he is handy with the bat as well as the ball. Shane Watson has done much better than Hughes so I'd expect the Aussie batting line up to remain unchanged. (although I still think dropping Hughes so soon was very harsh on the young kid).

Considering before the series Australia started as clear favorites… now England have lost their best batsman in KP… and are in serious danger of losing their best bowler and quick fire batsman in Fred, whilst Australia can now bring back experienced first choice bowlers in Lee and Clarke….. then I'd expect Australia fancy their chances in a big way now.

Still its 1-0 to England with two tests to play…….. that’s a long way from the 0-5 Australian whitewash Glen McGrath and some of the Australian media predicated a month or so ago.

Humble pie anyone?